My sheets look like a crime scene.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
