It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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