I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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