Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
