she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
