I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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