Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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