The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
