i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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