Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
