ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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