God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
