I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
