So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
