3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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