i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
