I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
