Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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