I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
where are you?
Hypothermia
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
