I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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