How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
