you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
