he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i will never coherently bang her
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
