First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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