Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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