He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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