we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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