Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
