come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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