Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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