i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
