I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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