i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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