I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
