they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
