My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
