I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
