We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
