he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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