so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
