White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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