we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
