dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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