My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
