I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
