omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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