We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
