you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You are a genius and a whore.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
