Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
