all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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