I puked a lego.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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