my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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